With Hope

March 4th. A date that brings a tug at my heart and a pain in my chest as memories of the most horrific day in my life resurface.

Yesterday marked ten years since my brother passed away at the far too young age of 25. He was traveling overseas, and I found out online that he had passed. I will never forget staring at the computer screen, unable to comprehend what was happening. In the moment that followed, I remember not being able to breathe. I remember yelling across my apartment for my older brother, who was staying with me. I remember falling to my knees, screaming and crying out to God. I remember the next horrific realization that we had to tell our parents that their son had died. I remember as if it happened yesterday.

If you had asked me ten years ago if I would make it a decade without my brother, I probably would have said “no.” It’s surreal to have lived ten years without him—without the joy and laughter he brought into my life. He was my little brother. My pal. My best friend.

It’s only by the grace of God that my family has survived such a tragedy.

In those dark, lonely moments when my grief blinded me from feeling the Lord’s presence, I chose to believe He was with me. Throughout the years, I’ve journeyed through the many cycles of grief. The first couple of years were full of shock and numbness, and a yearning desire to understand why God allowed such a terrible thing to happen. I felt angry and confused, and sometimes even abandoned by God. But slowly, I came to the realization that I was okay with not knowing the “why.” I could still trust God and believe in His goodness without understanding why. I could trust in God’s sovereignty.

This is a poem I wrote about my brother. I do not remember exactly when I wrote it—maybe two years after he passed? But it was at the time I decided I could still trust God without understanding the “why.”

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With Hope

Megan L. Horst

Written in memory of Nathan

How could this be God’s perfect plan?
I only yearn to understand.
Why did He give you so much life;
only to take it like a thief in the night.
A heart so full of love.
A man so full of joy.
Yet hidden sorrows no one could understand.

Will the pain ever subside?
Will the sun begin to rise?
Will my wounded soul restore itself again?

Every tear that I cry,
I know You are crying by my side.
In the moments of despair,
I have hope that You are near.

Someday, I hope to understand
The will of God’s glorious plan.
Someday, I know that we will see
that His goodness is complete.

But until the time of Christ is here,
I will stand in hope without such fear.
I will grieve for what is lost, and dear,
Yet with hope, I’ll stand in faith, not fear.